


The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden

by ddagent



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, F/M, Implied/Referenced Sex, Podcast, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:22:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22163248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddagent/pseuds/ddagent
Summary: History doctoral students Bee and Jay host a podcast reading and analysing bad historical fiction centred around their ancestors, Goldenhand the Just and the Blue Knight. Originally part of the 'Cubs and Gemstones' collection.
Relationships: Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth
Comments: 630
Kudos: 431





	1. Book: Pools of Blue

**Author's Note:**

> The enthusiasm to the first five parts of the podcast verse (posted in Cubs and Gemstones) was INCREDIBLE, and after writing five parts in three days, it just seemed right for Bee and Jay to have their own collection! The first five chapters will be from C&G, anything else will be new material. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> "OH OH OH! your idea of the day: best friends Jaime and Brienne host a podcast reading and ripping apart historical fiction featuring the Blue Knight and Goldenhand the Just." (anonymous)

J: You are listening to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden._ This podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

B: Basically, your brother’s Saturday night. 

(laughter)

J: It really is. See, this is why I spend my Saturday nights with you. Much quieter. Anyway, if this is your first time listening to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden,_ I’m Jay and this is my best friend, Bee. We’re doctoral students in History at one of Westeros’ most prestigious universities: we won’t tell you which one as we’re just people, living our ordinary lives, and we don’t want to be besieged by adoring fans. 

B: All three of you.

J: Four including your Dad.

B: (sighs) Don’t remind me; I told you last week he asked me to expand on my thoughts on ancient Westerosi condoms.

J: Always use Sandsnake Condoms, kids; not sheep intestines. Anyway, Bee and I are history students. We also happen to be descendants of Goldenhand the Just and the Blue Knight from the age of heroes. 

B: A connection that only matters on the podcast, as Jay found out when he tried to touch Widow’s Wail in the Targaryen Museum of Ancient History. 

(laughter)

J: Well, not all of us managed to keep our family heirlooms out of museum hands. So the idea for this podcast started during our undergraduate degree when we had a sort of…reading group.

B: A book club.

J: Yeah, both Bee and I enjoy historical fiction, and we thought it would be fun to read some of them together. But some of the stuff is really, _really_ bad. And last year my brother started a podcast, it’s really quite well-known, it’s called _A Hundred Ways to Disappoint Your Father,_ and he’s on episode 138, I think. 

B: Ty inspired us to do this.

J: He did. So, yeah, if you haven’t listened before, Bee and I read out really bad historical fiction featuring Goldenhand the Just and the Blue Knight. They fuck at _least_ three times in every book, and last week I got a colour chart to see just how red Bee’s face goes. She went all the way to Casterly Red, which I thought was _very_ appropriate.

(sound of Bee smacking Jay’s shoulder)

B: Piss off.

J: And on _that_ sweet note, let’s begin. We are currently reading _Pools of Blue,_ it’s a story inspired by Goldenhand and Blue’s adventures clearing out the pirates from Tarth after the Long Night. The author is Alys Morrow, although she probably wouldn’t enjoy the free publicity. (clears throat) _Night had fallen over Evenfall, and Blue had retired after supper. She’d stripped herself of her armour, her tunic and breeches. She thought of Goldenhand in the next room, and of the fear she had felt when one of the Golden Company had pressed a knife to his throat. All they had gone through, and it could have all ended on the sands of Tarth. Tomorrow, they would face more villains. But for tonight, she would have her golden lion._

(deep sighs)

B: From the journals of her father, the Evenstar during the War of the Five Kings, he described his daughter as reserved, especially in the company of men. I doubt she would wander stark naked into a man’s room looking for sex. 

J: Reminds me of that novel we read set during the Long Night, where the Dragon Queen’s Hand called her out for being a virgin. Just wouldn’t happen. The fact that Goldenhand canonically bedded only two women in his lifetime is ignored a lot, too. 

B: Oh, _Gods,_ in the Trant novels he’s always got his cock in someone.

(Jay splutters)

J: Such the romantic, Bee.

B: Oh just keep reading. 

J: As my lady commands. (clears throat) _Wearing only a thin shift_ —Oh, she’s wearing something at least— _Blue left her chambers and headed for the chambers of Goldenhand. Before her courage could escape her, she opened the door._ Without knocking, that’s rude.

B: And give him time to put his trousers on?

J: Well, that would be the polite thing. _Before her courage could escape her, she opened the door. Inside, the room was cast in soft, unyielding candlelight; the canopy bed cast in shadows of lovers past. Her gaze flickered to the crumpled sheets and hoped she would be one of many more—_ fuck.

B: Oh Gods. If you’ve paused, it must be bad. 

J: _Hoped she would be one of many more women who had been bedded upon them. She could almost see the essence of her maidenhead staining the sheets alongside Goldenhand’s glorious seed._

(both making gagging sounds)

B: I don’t want to hear the word _seed_ ever again.

J: Thank the Gods you’re not a gardener; you’d be thinking about _Goldenhand’s glorious seed_ every time you tried to plant some tomatoes. And you eat multi-seeded bread, too. Do you think you’ll picture Goldenhand’s glorious seed the next time you make a sandwich? Or some toast?

B: I think you should keep reading.

J: _And there he was, Goldenhand the Just. Standing in the thick candlelight as bare as his nameday. Golden hair dusted his torso and traversed his abdomen, finishing just above his pulsating member. Thicker than the hilt of her sword, and longer than any dagger she had ever carried. It was as red as his house colours—_ fuck, that’s some dreadful description.

B: Now, Jay, you’ve seen more of… _these_ than I have. She’s taking some artistic licence, correct?

J: I think so? (he laughs) Let’s just say, if ever our friendship turns into something more, you’ll be _very_ disappointed if you’re expecting something longer than any dagger you’ve ever carried. 

B: I don’t think I’d want anything longer than a dagger.

J: (laughs) Papa Bee, if you’re listening, I’d go make a cup of tea now. 

(Bee groans)

J: Where were we…okay, _Blue stared at the long, thick shaft; his golden hand wrapped around the base._ Now, canonically, the golden hand could only hold a wine goblet, as it was created by his alcoholic sister. 

B: Clearly, this hand was designed to hold his cock. 

J: I can’t believe you just said that.

(rustling sound)

J: You can’t see it, obviously, but Bee’s face is currently the ‘red woman’. Who names these colours? 

B: Stop being mean.

J: I’m not being mean, I’m just trying to paint a picture for our audience. You always go bright red when we get to the dirty bits. You practically went purple when Blue pegged Goldenhand at _The Dornishman’s Supper._

B: I wasn’t the only one blushing during that book, _thank you._

J: I don’t know _what_ you’re trying to insinuate. Anyway, let’s get back to my ancestor’s throbbing cock, and your ancestor barging in uninvited whilst wearing the ancient equivalent of lingerie. 

B: If we _must._


	2. Book: Pools of Blue (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Love the podcast prompt fill! If you decide to continue on with this one, this reader would be happy!!" (anonymous)

B: You are listening to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden._ This podcast contains strong language, violence, and explicit sexual content.

J: The complete opposite of Bee’s undergraduate degree. 

(rustling sound)

B: Really? We’re barely ten seconds in and already you’re picking on me. 

J: Fine, _fine,_ I’ll be nice. Good evening, everyone, and welcome to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden._ And good evening to you, Bee. How’s your week been?

B: I saw you this morning for breakfast. 

J: I know, but the listeners don’t know that. Also, you should say that you saw me earlier today. Saying you saw me for breakfast will make people think we’re sleeping together. 

B: Oh _please,_ like _anyone_ would think we would be sleeping together. 

J: It’s a podcast, Bee, they don’t know what either of us look like. Not that there’s…not that there’s anything _wrong_ with how you look. You look… _fine._

B: I’ll take that as a compliment, thank you. 

J: Aren’t you going to say something nice about me? 

B: You’re a lot less annoying than when we first met.

(laughter)

J: I honestly thought you were going to kill me that first week. 

B: Well Cat…I _mean,_ Cee, our head of department and my doctoral adviser, told me I was better off waiting for you to drop out, or move to a less _rigorous_ study program. 

J: Nice to know she had faith in me from the very first day. 

B: (shocked gasp) You…you…okay, listeners, Jay and I have known each other for five years now, and I have _just_ managed to reach a point where we can have a conversation without him insulting me. The first week, _nay_ the first _day,_ he turned up in the lecture hall and every time I went to raise my hand he would jump in and answer the question first. He _had_ to be the centre of attention. At one point, Cee actually told you to sit the fuck down. 

J: I’d had private tutors all my life; I didn’t know any better. 

B: That’s your answer for everything. (pause) We should probably get back to the podcast. Do you want to do all the housekeeping? I know you enjoy the sound of your own voice. 

J: You’re so rude to me. Everyone thinks you’re as pure as the Maiden, but you’re got a mean streak in you.

B: Because you’re rude to me first!

J: That’s your answer for everything. (Bee gasps) Anyway, as we’ve said, this is _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden._ We read bad historical fiction and analyse it against our considerable knowledge in the field. We are both descendants of Goldenhand the Just and The Blue Knight, a popular topic in historical fiction and the real focus of this podcast. You can catch up with previous episodes wherever you get your podcasts, and you can send us questions or topics for future episodes at thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com.

B: And we really do welcome your comments and questions. So far the only people who have emailed us are the Dornish restaurant down the road giving us coupons, and my Dad who wanted to say he overheard someone say he listens to the podcast, and wanted to congratulate us on our success. 

J: Thank you, Papa Bee, we appreciate the support. And the ginger biscuits you sent last week, they were delicious. 

B: I wouldn’t know, Dad, Jay ate them all. 

J: And in the worst segue way of all time—

B: —don’t you dare.

J: We’re currently reading _Pools of Blue,_ by Alys Morrow. Last chapter involved Ser Blue going to Goldenhand’s chambers, where he proceeded to… _go down on her,_ before Goldenhand made the historically inaccurate error of claiming Ser Blue’s maidenhead before their hands were tied by a septon. The following chapter is entitled _The Rising Sun,_ which will be read today by Bee. 

B: Do I have to?

J: We agreed; we switch off chapters. Come on, Bee. I have faith in you. 

B: Fine.(clears throat) _Goldenhand awoke beside his beloved. Creamy rays of sunlight sprung through the open window, bathing he and Blue in a halo of warmth. The cerulean sheets were crumpled and stained and kicked to the far foot of the bed. Both of them lay naked across the feather mattress, and Blue’s lithe form—_ right I’ve got to stop it there, because I think we’re heading into historical inaccuracy and we’re barely a paragraph in. 

J: Morrow’s describing Ser Blue as lithe. 

B: The complete opposite of every description there is of Ser Blue. 

J: Keep reading, maybe it’s a typo. We’ve found seven already in this book. 

B: Alright. _Both of them lay naked across the feather mattress, and Blue’s lithe form was open to his heady gaze. Her legs were long and supple; her skin like the cream expressed from the teat of a cow._ I really hate you for making me read this. 

J: Come on. Keep reading, let me get the colour chart. 

B: _The blonde patch of hair between her legs was damp, as if covered by morning dew. Goldenhand was tempted to place his hand there, see if his sweetling was as wet as how she had gushed the night before. She had soaked the sheets, covered his golden fingers in her thick juices._

(Jay sniggers)

B: Stop laughing. _Her hips were slender, her waist so small he could wrap an entire arm around it._ That’s not right. From all the reading I’ve done on my ancestor, she was my height, my build. She’s not some dainty little maiden. 

J: Even in the fight scene with the pirates, Goldenhand ultimately finished the job after her botched rescue attempt. And, canonically, Ser Blue was the better fighter after Goldenhand, well, _lost his hand._

B: Canonically _the better fighter,_ you don’t need the caveat. 

(Jay laughs)

J: He was knighted at sixteen. Ser Blue wasn’t—

B: —you cannot compare the privilege of a teenage boy in one of the nine great houses to a teenage girl in a minor noble house! And she was a gifted fighter, better than he was. In the single fight—

J: —you always do this, you always bring up the bridge. He was in _chains,_ he’d been a prisoner for _years._ And we have no corroboration of that fight other than the ramblings of one of Lord Bolton’s men, and as a story passed down through the generations. There is no physical proof. 

B: Well, is there anything we _can_ agree on?

J: That this book is terrible, and honestly, I can’t listen to another word of it. 

B: Agreed. Put it on the list?

J: On the list.

B: Well, we’ve made the executive decision to put _The Pools of Blue_ by Alys Morrow on our ‘Inaccurate and Awful’ list a full 227 pages earlier than planned. 

J: Thank the Gods. So, what’s next?


	3. Footnotes: Goldenhand and Ser Blue's Relationship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "So with the podcast verse was there any historical relationship between Goldenhand and the Blue Knight or is it all just artistic licence by the authors? Feel free to answer this yourself or if you’re feeling absolutely amazing I’d love another follow up" (pedants-united)

J: You are listening to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden_. This podcast contains strong language, violence, and explicit sexual content.

B: _Well,_ you’re listening to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden: The Footnotes._

J: Like in a book. 

B: Yes, Jay, like in a book.

(pause)

J: She’s got that very patient look on her face. 

B: It’s my ‘I know you’re only doing this for effect’ look. Now go on, you won the coin toss, you get to explain.

J: Thank you, Bee. Now, we’ve had a new influx in subscribers, which is very exciting!

B: It also meant Dad sent us more biscuits, which I actually got to eat some of this time. 

J: You had some of the last batch.

B: Crumbs, Jay, I had crumbs.

J: Anyway, these footnotes are an opportunity to reply to questions sent to our email—

B: — thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com—

J: —so we can talk a little more in-depth about history, and the books we choose, and...well, and our relationship. 

B: Thankfully today’s question isn’t about us. 

J: Well, it is, _technically._ pedants-united@ravenmail.com has emailed us asking, “Was there any historical relationship between Goldenhand and the Blue Knight or is it all just artistic licence by the authors?” Which I think is a very good question.

B: A very good question, and it’s probably one we should have answered earlier.

J: Because, _technically,_ Bee and I are related. 

B: Six hundred-year-old cousins. The average DNA we share is less than 0.01%

J: You’ve looked into it, clearly. Wanting to see how icky things could be if we ever decided to be _more_ than friends?

B: I’m sorry, I’m not the one who has incest running in their family. Your great-however-many grandfather _did_ sleep with his sister and produce three children. And, Goldenhand and the Mad Queen were themselves products of incest, as their parents were first cousins. 

J: It’s funny how he becomes _my_ great-however-many grandfather when it comes to the _bad_ stuff. 

B: _Yes,_ because you share his family name and I share hers. _Literally._

J: Anyway, incest was more commonplace back then.

B: So were a lot of things, it doesn’t make it right! (pause) Getting back to your question, pedants-united, _yes,_ Goldenhand the Just and Ser Blue were involved in a romantic relationship. There are many different accounts of their time together, both before _and_ after the Long Night, but we know they were married in the sept at Evenfall Hall, and we know they had three children: Catelyn, Brynden, and Joanna. 

J: From the records at Casterly Rock, we know that Catelyn married Damon Marbrand. That was the start of my family tree.

B: And we know that Brynden married Alys Payne, and begun mine. 

J: As for their parents, Goldenhand the Just and Ser Blue, there are only _some_ historical accounts to back up the creativity taken in these novels. 

B: I would argue it’s unlikely that Goldenhand the Just was pegged in Dorne.

(Jay laughs)

J: I would pay fifty gold dragons to see you argue that in a lecture hall. And some men _like_ to get pegged, Bee.

(pause)

J: Well look at that. Casterly Red in ten seconds. That’s a new record, listeners!

(pause)

B: I hope that’s answered your question, pedants-united. If you have any more questions, listeners, or book titles you think we should check out, just email us.

J: Please distract us from student essays. They’re really bad this year.

B: JAY! 


	4. Book: The Wedding at Dragonstone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hiii! I'm so in love with the podcast verse. Can I formally request another bit about them, in case you were planning to continue their shenanigans? Thank you!" (twelvemonkeyswere)

B: Today’s episode of _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden_ is sponsored by _Blackwater Brewery._

J: What have I got to do—

B: —just read that bit out.

J: Who _wrote_ this?

B: Bronn did. Just read it out.

J: We don’t _need_ sponsors.

B: Yes we do, Jay. Your ancestor may have had a golden hand, but you don’t have two gold dragons to rub together and neither do I. Buying all these books costs money, as does the equipment, as does the wine necessary to forget some of the things we’ve read. So just _read_ it.

J: _Fine._ For you. Today’s episode of _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden_ is sponsored by _Blackwater Brewery._ Made in King’s Landing, this beer is good. Tastes good enough, not that any of the rich… _people_ who live in King’s Landing could tell the difference. Get a free case at blackwaterbrewery.com, using the voucher code _golden cunt._ Fucking Bronn.

B: Probably should have mentioned that this podcast contains strong language from the outset, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

(tourney horn plays)

J: Well, listeners, welcome to another episode of _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden._ Last week we began reading a paperback Bee picked up during a visit to Estermont with Papa Bee: _The Wedding at Dragonstone._ Bee, why don’t you describe the cover.

B: Oh _Gods,_ alright. So it’s a dark blue—

J: —one would almost say _Tarth_ blue—

B: —cover, with what I assume to be Goldenhand and Ser Blue in a passionate embrace. He’s shirtless, and standing behind her. She’s in a white gown, with a red cloak, and there looks to be lions head broaches on her shoulders. 

J: The dress is also gathered up towards her thigh revealing a lot of leg. 

B: She’s got her neck tilted back towards him, as if Ser Blue was _ever_ shorter than Goldenhand. And they both look very… _happy._

J: They’re on the brink of orgasm.

B: Sure.

J: So, _The Wedding at Dragonstone_ is one of the many historical fiction novels set after the Long Night. It features the wedding between Queen Daenerys Stormborn and King Jon of the South. I’ve actually just led a module on Queen Daenerys—

B: —which you received complaints about in the student feedback forms. 

J: It is our duty as historians to question these figures and their decisions. 

B: You argued that if Goldenhand had had breakfast after the Sack of Highgarden, he would have been able to kill one of her dragons. 

J: I truly believe his blood sugar was low that day. 

(Bee laughs)

B: You are _utterly_ ridiculous.

J: And yet, you’re still spending time with me. 

B: (deep sigh) Yes, I am. Back to the book: as we discussed in the last episode, there is no historical basis for this marriage. Whilst there are documented accounts of a relationship between them before the Long Night, Queen Daenerys Stormborn became Queen Daenerys of Valyria and remained across the sea until her death. 

J: So _The Wedding at Dragonstone_ never happened. Our interest, however, is how accurate it is as an alternate history. 

B: Last chapter, Goldenhand and Ser Blue arrived at Dragonstone after—

J: —having sex in the bowels of the ship, _as loud as a siren’s song._

B: Oh, Gods.

J: And now they’ve been taken to their rooms, where they’re alone once again.

B: I read last week, so it’s your turn. 

J: With pleasure. _Chapter II: The Ties That Bind. After they had been escorted to their chambers for the duration of the wedding, Goldenhand summoned wine and bread to sate his hunger and thirst. His lust would be satisfied with his betrothed, who had placed herself at the window to stare out at the unyielding sea. In two days time, King Jon would take the Dragon Queen’s—_ right, I’ve just read ahead, and clearly, they haven’t done their research. 

B: She was married to a Khal, wasn’t she.

J: She was, and to someone else in Meereen. King Jon has nothing to take on his wedding night, other than pleasure in his new bride, of course. 

B: Of course. 

J: _King Jon would take the Dragon Queen’s innocence_ (Jay laughs) _upon the snow-white sheets. In time, he and Ser Blue would also face a bedding ceremony. Only he had claimed her maidenhead many moons before, and would do so again before they returned to their ship for home._ That’s not how biology works. 

B: Do you remember Cee’s module on the prevalence of the virginity myth in ancient Westerosi culture? I really want to send every author we read a copy of her paper. 

J: We really would need sponsors, then. The postage alone…

B: Just keep reading.

J: (adopts a low voice) _“Ser Blue, is my lady well?”_

B: (laughs) What was that?

J: I’m doing the voices.

B: We’re not babysitting your niece and nephew. 

J: You like my voices when we read _Rhaegal the Friendless Dragon_.

B: _Fine,_ but if we get complaints from our listeners, that’s on you.

J: Okay. (low voice) “ _Ser Blue, is my lady well?”_ (high-pitched voice) _“Of course, my golden lion!”_

B: (splutters) She does _not_ sound like that!

J: If you want to read this chapter, be my guest. But when I read, I’m doing the voices. (low voice) “ _Well, then come from the window, my Sweetling. My appetite grows dangerous, and I wish to feast upon your cunt.”_

B: Surely he can wait for the bread and wine. 

J: He’s a hungry man. (high-pitched voice) “ _I wish to aid you in your feast, my lion. Lie upon the bed, let me bring your plate to you.”_ What the fuck.

B: I’m really worried what she’s going to do. 

J: Does the potential for cannibalism make this book more or less interesting? (sighs) _Goldenhand stripped himself of his tunic and breeches, made with loose stitches so he could remove them himself._ Has Jeyne Swann invented velcro centuries earlier than thought?

B: It’s like he’s a stripper. 

J: _He then settled himself atop the bed, his golden hand caressing the hand line of his turgid length._ Where did this come from, that his golden hand was large enough to fit his penis in?

B: You should do a paper, present it at the conference in two months. 

J: ‘The Inaccurate Representation of Goldenhand the Just’s Metal Appendage’. Can you imagine Doctor Barath—”

B: _Jay._

J: Doctor Antlers would burst a blood vessel. 

B: Just keep reading. I’m mildly interested to see if the poor writing continues to allude to Goldenhand actually eating his betrothed. 

J: He’s going to need something to wipe his mouth, whatever happens. 

B: You’re disgusting. 

J: Don’t knock the experience until you’ve tried it, Bee. On either side of the equation. 

(tourney horn plays)


	5. Footnotes: Inaccurate fiction and G&B's real names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For the podcast verse, a question from a listener: "Hi there Jay and Bee! Long time listener, first time writer. You guys have read a lot of awful and very historically inaccurate fiction about Goldenhand and Blue Knight, but are there any books out that that get their story right? I know there isn't a whole lot of information about them, but have any novels even tried to stick with historical facts? Thanks for taking my question, love the show! ~Jane"" (notjanebond)
> 
> "For the podcast ‘verse if you’re so inclined! Hi Bee and Jay! Were the names of Goldenhand the Just and Ser Blue lost to history? Or are they just widely unknown?" (elizadunc)

J: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content. 

(tourney horn plays)

B: Welcome, everyone, to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden,_ the footnotes. I know it hasn’t been that long since our last episode but we are—

J: —procrastinating from poorly written student essays. 

B: (sigh) As we’ve mentioned, Jay and I are doctoral students, and part of that includes teaching some of the undergraduates. Some of them are very adept, others are—

J: —idiots.

B: —struggling with the material, and the rigour of the course. So, we thought we’d take a break, reply to a few of your questions, and finish off the lemon curd biscuits that arrived in the post this morning and hope that Jay doesn’t spray the microphone with crumbs. 

J: I make no promises. 

B: Well, at least you’re not an oathbreaker like your ancestor. 

J: Really? You’re bringing up the Mad King–oh, you can’t see this, listeners, but Bee is smiling. Never trust a girl from the Stormlands. They appear virtuous and honourable but they’ve got a sharp tongue, too.

B: It’s the Goldenhand in me. 

(long pause)

J: I–uh–I’m going to read one of your questions now, listeners. So, this was sent to our email – thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com – and it’s from notjanebond. She says, “Hi there Jay and Bee!” Hello yourself. 

B: Hello!

J: “Long time listener, first time writer. You guys have read a lot of awful and very historically inaccurate fiction about Goldenhand and Blue Knight, but are there any books out that that get their story right?”

B: Interesting question.

J: “I know there isn’t a whole lot of information about them, but have any novels even tried to stick with historical facts? Thanks for taking my question, love the show!” That’s very nice.

B: She sounds very sweet. 

J: Should have included your address, Papa Bee would have sent you some biscuits.

B: He’s more excited than we are when we have fans. 

J: Anyway, is there any books that get them right? 

B: Historical _fiction,_ though, so not textbooks. 

J: _The King’s Road_ is one of my favourites; it’s one of the books we bonded over, wasn’t it?

B: Final year of undergraduate, yeah.

J: Basically, _The King’s Road_ is a story of how Goldenhand _became_ Goldenhand: it covers his time in Stark captivity and then his return to King’s Landing. It’s less of a romance and more of a burgeoning friendship, and it uses a lot of the journals and records from the Stark camp, Bolton’s men, and of Qyburn, the Mad Queen’s Hand. 

B: Interestingly enough, there’s another book called _Off the King’s Road_ which follows a similar path but is a _lot_ more explicit. I remember reading a chapter of it in school before the librarian, Septa Roelle, caught me. 

J: How red was your face?

B: _Oh,_ Casterly Red. I’ll see if I can’t track down a copy. But I think it’s fair to say that a lot of the historical romances take liberties. (pause) _The Hour of the Wolves_ is a short story collection set during the Long Night, and one of the stories concerns Goldenhand and Ser Blue. It’s very poignant; romantic, but not overly so. 

J: There’s a new book coming out called _Evenstar,_ which promises to be a lot closer to historical events. 

B: The author actually contacted Dad and me for information. Should be a good read. 

J: We’ll have to read it on the podcast when it comes out. So, in answer to your question notjanebond, there _are_ some books out there that are more historically accurate, but a lot of the ones we read just take a few basic facts and ignore the rest. We should read some Trant on the podcast; those are _terrible._

B: If we _must._

J: It’s why people listen: they want to read the car crash literature; the bad sex acts and dialogue. And to hear how red your face gets when things get too explicit.

B: _Okay,_ we have another question. This is from elizadunc. Oh, do you think that comes from Duncan the Tall?

J: Could be. What does she say?

B: She says, “Hi Bee and Jay!”

J: Hello elizadunc the Tall.

B: “Were the names of Goldenhand the Just and Ser Blue lost to history? Or are they just widely unknown?” That’s a really interesting question, and it’s less a case of _lost to history,_ and more a case of… _libel?_

J: Bee and I have done a few papers about Goldenhand and Ser Blue, but we always refer to them as their actual names – which we won’t repeat in this podcast, because by some manner of coincidence, we share their names. 

B: As regards to a lot of historical fiction, one of the first novels published in this genre took a _huge_ amount of creative licence with the representation of Goldenhand’s father, and, well—

J: —my House sued, and won.

B: So, a lot of writers now use the names the minstrels and mummers adopted during the reign of King Jon and afterwards to sing songs of the two knights. 

J: Interestingly, in _The King’s Road,_ the events that would lead Goldenhand and Ser Blue to be called as much hadn’t happened yet. So, in a lot of the novels set before the Long Night, they’re referred to as the Kingslayer or the Golden Lion, and she’s referred to as the Maid or the Beauty.

B: One a comment, one a critique. Very fitting. 

J: Well, that’s the beauty of Goldenhand and Ser Blue: they complement each other, which is how love should be.

B: (pause) You always surprise me with these moments of sheer romanticism.

J: Well, like my ancestor, I _am_ a romantic. Just need to find the right woman to bring it out in me. 

B: Thank the Gods you don’t have a sister. 

(tourney horn plays)


	6. Book: The War of Hearts, Minds, and Cunts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Novel: Unbearable" (anonymous)

B: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

J: All the things you’d want in a podcast, really. 

B: Do you listen to any other podcasts apart from your brother’s?

J: No, not really. You, uh, you listen to that one with that guy you like. _Renly’s Records_ or something equally idiotic.

B: It’s called _Vinyl Grooves,_ I’ll have you know, and he does a similar thing to us, where he finds old vinyl at secondhand shops, plays the songs, and then discusses them. He has a very… _nice_ voice. 

J: I think you quite fancy him.

B: I think you need to get on with introducing the podcast.

(tourney horn plays)

J: Welcome to _The Bear and the Poorly Worded Maiden,_ we are an explicit literary podcast hosted by two doctoral students studying history. Also two best friends. 

B: _Oh_. That’s, um, that’s nice.

J: I thought so. Anyway, today’s literary masterpiece is a short story collection by Lysa Potter. It’s set in King’s Landing during the War of the Five Kings, and it’s a collection of erotic fiction. I skimmed a few of the stories, and a lot of them seem to be set in Littlefinger’s whorehouses. 

B: His role in history is _really_ quite fascinating, as there is documented evidence—

J: —you say documented, it’s from the journals of Brandon Stark, the last Lord of Winterfell, and there have been multiple accounts of him exhibiting odd behaviour and possible signs of mental illness. 

B: Are you saying Litlefinger was _not_ responsible for the War of the Five Kings?

J: Oh, of course, he was.

B: Then why are you arguing with me?

J: Becuase your face goes all pink. I have a new colour chart today, listeners. Bee is currently ‘Sweetling Pink’.

B: I hate you. 

J: (scoffs) Ah, but I don’t think you do.

B: Get back to the book.

J: Okay, so _The War of Hearts, Minds, and Cunts_ (Jay laughs)is…odd reading, but there is a story about Goldenhand and Ser Blue. I think we discussed in a recent footnotes episode that pre-Long Night, they’re often referred to as Kingslayer or the Maid. This one has the Maid and the Lion. We arm-wrestled to see who would read this one out and Bee—

B: —was unlucky.

J: I told you I’m strong enough. Anyway, I’ve introduced the story; off you go.

B: Fine. _Unbearable, by Lysa Potter. The Golden Lion, now Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, lay atop crisp white sheets and stared at the ceiling. His left hand lazily played with his cock—_

(Jay laughs)

B: — _his thumb running underneath the shaft and curling over the bulbous head of his tumescent member._

J: Someone found the thesaurus.

B: Stop interrupting.

J: That’s literally the point of the podcast.

B: _His left hand felt strange as it gripped and tugged his phallus._

J: I’m going to get some whiskey, and every time they use a synonym for cock, we drink.

B: _It felt as if another’s hands were touching his stiff pecker._

J: Drink.

B: At this rate, we’ll be pissed as your brother during Sevenmas before the end of the paragraph. (pause) _Perhaps, before his time in captivity, he would have imagined it was his sister who held him so. Instead, he now imagined it to be the Maid. Her hands, as broad as his own, would take his manhood_ – don’t, Jay – _and grip, stroke, and allow him to fuck her fist with vigour. He pictured her mouth, those broad lips, widening to accommodate his vast length. He thought of her ruddy, tumid cunt_ —alright, pass the whiskey. 

J: If it’s tumid, should she see a maester?

B: Any abnormalities of your genitals should probably be checked out by a citadel professional. _He thought of her ruddy, tumid cunt , and the fat head of his knob swallowed by her soused flesh._

J: The title is accurate: this is unbearable. 

B: _The Lion stroked himself to completion; white spurts of his hot seed_ (gags)

J: Bee is now at ‘Wench Blush’ for those of you who are interested. 

B: Piss off. _The Lion stroked himself to completion; white spurts of his hot seed falling atop his belly and thighs. But he was not yet satisfied. He wanted to claim the Maid; make her his. With the loss of his hand, he needed a replacement._ Does he need someone to cut his food for him? Surely there are servants for that.

J: And Ser Blue is used to cutting much bigger things than sausages or some cheese.

B: Like people who get in the way of her charges.

J: Exactly. 

B: _Something that was whole, something that was his. He had saved the Maid in the forest, why should he not claim what he had saved for himself?_ What the fuck? Is Potter trying to say that’s the _only_ reason he saved her from Bolton’s men?

J: Fuck that. List?

B: List. (pause) For those of you that are new to our podcast, we have a list that’s available on our caw profile of books you should _really_ avoid. They are highly inaccurate and just plain dreadful. 

J: I feel like we need to wash our mental mouths out. 

B: I agree. _The King’s Road?_

J: _The King’s Road!_ (pause) Alright, some _good_ fiction at last. _He could not tell how far they had gone from the Stark camp; Lady Stark’s new pet had placed a rotten bag atop his head and tossed him without aid onto an unruly steed. His awe at her strength was quickly forgotten; the Stormlands Maid was, after all, to be his jailor. As sunlight began to stream through the burlap, he found himself unceremoniously pushed to the ground. The hood was wrenched from him, and he found himself peering into the waters of Shipbreaker Bay._

B: _He could not let Stark’s pet know he thought of her in such terms, however, so he simply said—_

J: _—“You’re much uglier in daylight”._ You remember the words. 

B: Of course I do. It’s where everything changes. For both of them.

(tourney horn plays)


	7. Footnotes: Worst Versions of G&B Podcast Inspiration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Podcast question for Jay & Bee: What's the worst version of Goldenhand and the Blue Knight you've ever read? Can you describe any of the scenes that made it so bad? And, relatedly, what inspired this podcast? Loving it and appreciate the distraction from my own undergrad students. ;D" (tarthserjaime)
> 
> "Hi Jay and Bee! I’ve binged your eps on my work break and I’m a big fan! I have two questions, if you don’t mind. One serious and on silly. 1. Were Ser Blue and Goldenhand the figures that got you into history, or are they just the current end point of your path? 2. And how are you the two of you most and least like BOTH of your namesakes/ancestors?" (anonymous)

B: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

(tourney horn plays)

J: It’s _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden,_ the footnotes! And, for the first time, we’re recording at my place. 

B: I don’t know why we don’t record here more often; it’s _infinitely_ nicer than my flat, and you don’t have any neighbours fiddling with their bedframe all night.

J: (laughs) Their headboard is banging, Bee; I think they’re fucking. 

B: I _know_ that; I’m not an _idiot._ I was just trying to be coy.

J: We read out historical pornography on a podcast; coy went out the window along with your valiant attempts for us to _just_ be acquaintances. 

B: Yes, suddenly it’s five years later and you’re my best friend. 

J: You could do a lot worse. 

B: I could do a lot better, too. When you give friends spare keys, for instance, it’s expected they only use them for emergencies. 

J: Is this about this morning?

B: I was in a _towel._

J: Your bedroom door was open.

B: My front door was _locked._

J: I ran out of cereal!

B: You live on the other side of the city! (pause) Right, enough bickering, let’s get on with the podcast. 

J: Fine. So, this is our footnotes podcast, where we answer your questions, go into a little more depth with our discussions. 

B: Eventually, we would like to have a couple of guests on, like your brother does.

J: (laughs) As if anyone would want to be on this! No, that’s a lie, Papa Bee would _love_ to do this podcast. He’s up next week; you should ask him.

B: I am _not_ asking my father for his help analysing historical erotica. 

J: Well, it’s a good thing I’m invited to dinner so I can ask him myself. 

B: (sighs) Jay.

J: _Bee._ (pause) Fine. We’ll talk about it later. For now, we’ve had two questions. The first one is from (laughs) oh, this is great. It’s from tarthserjaime@ravenmail.com. They must be a fan of _The Caged Lion._ For those of you that aren’t familiar, it’s the sequel to _The King’s Road,_ and it covers Goldenhand’s journey as he, well, _becomes_ Goldenhand the Just.

B: That is a beautiful scene, as well. Very vivid. 

J: Having seen your island, I completely understand the reaction. 

B: (pause) It is rather beautiful. 

J: So it is. (pause) Anyway, tarthserjaime has two questions, the first is: “What’s the worst version of Goldenhand and the Blue Knight you’ve ever read? Can you describe any of the scenes that made it so bad?” Oh, fuck, well for Goldenhand it has to be Trant. 

B: We’ve mentioned Trant a couple of times. That’s Roslin Trant, and she has a whole series of Goldenhand novels, such as _The Ravishing at Riverrun, The Kingsguard’s Oath_ , _The Lion and the Maiden, The Squire’s Suprise_ , _The Bedding of the Beauty…_ she’s written about twenty of them, I think. 

J: And in all these books, Goldenhand fucks at least three different people. 

B: Oh, at least. In _The Quest South,_ there’s an orgy in Sunspear. 

J: It’s got very little in common with the _real_ Goldenhand: Trant writes him as a playboy who’ll fuck anything. 

B: He has multiple bastard children, too. Well—

J: (laughs) More than the three he had canonically, at any rate. So, yeah, Trant is the worst. We will have to read some of it, won’t we? 

B: I think we’ll have to. As for Ser Blue, the versions vary. I think the worst one is _Into the Wild,_ where, during the Long Night, Ser Blue takes a break during the fighting to engage one of the Wildlings also in the battle. 

J: (gasps) Oh, I remember when you read that. I got a series of angry text messages at 3am. THE BLUE KNIGHT WOULD HAVE FOUGHT TO THE DEATH; SHE WOULDN’T HAVE TOSSED ASIDE HER SWORD TO SWALLOW A WILDLING’S COCK. 

B: (groans) Oh, _Gods,_ yes, that one is dreadful. And I think, is it Blackwood who wrote her as a broodmare for Goldenhand?

J: Yeah, he knighted her, and then immediately she wanted him to fill her with his seed. She spent the Long Night in their chambers, waiting for a break in the fighting so he could come and impregnate her. 

B: Thank you for the reminder, tarthserjaime.

J: Hopefully her second question doesn’t bring up such bad memories. 

B: Let’s hope not.

J: “And, relatedly, what inspired this podcast? Loving it and appreciate the distraction from my own undergrad students.“ Undergraduates are terrible, aren’t they?

B: Not _all_ of them.

J: Of course you don’t think that; you get the good ones. Cee likes you best.

B: Of course she does. And, in answer to your _excellent_ question tarthserjaime, it all started when Jay’s brother Ty came round and he was looking at the _strange_ collection of books on his brother’s nightstand. He asked Jay to read out the worst bits, we all got _atrociously_ drunk, and the next day Ty suggested we should do the podcast. 

J: Excellent chance to plug Ty’s podcast, by the way. It’s _A Hundred Ways to Disappoint Your Father;_ listen to it wherever you get your podcasts. 

B: Now we have a question from oathkeeper@ravenmail.com. Excellent choice of email address.

J: I’d prefer Widow’s Wail.

B: No you wouldn’t; everyone prefers Oathkeeper. (pause) They write: “Hi Jay and Bee!”

J: Hi yourself.

B: “I’ve binged your eps on my work break and I’m a big fan!” Well, that makes two. You and my father. “I have two questions, if you don’t mind. One serious and one silly. 1. Were Ser Blue and Goldenhand the figures that got you into history, or are they just the current endpoint of your path?” The Blue Knight and Oathkeeper and our family line was _certainly_ the reason I got into history. I was _obsessed_ with knights and quests as a child. I even tried to take Oathkeeper from the exhibit. 

J: Is that the photo up in your dad’s hallway?

B: Yes, my neighbour Robb took a picture before my Dad found us and, very gently, told me to put the priceless family heirloom down. (they laugh) What about you?

J: It was my uncle, Gerold, who got me into history. My father didn’t like the stories, didn’t want me or my brother fixating on the golden age of heroes. But my uncle took us to the museums in Lannisport and the Targaryen Museum of Ancient History in King’s Landing. I remember the day he told me I shared the name of one of the greatest knights in history. I was over the moon.

B: He sounds like a great uncle. 

J: He was. (pause) Anyway, so that’s the first question, what’s the second?

B: “How are the two of you most and least like BOTH of your namesakes/ancestors?” So not just Ser Blue for me but Goldenhand, too. 

J: Well, I don’t have a hand made out of gold. (both laugh) That’s probably the most obvious difference. I haven’t got a sister, but I do have a younger brother. No children. Goldenhand stepped away from family duty really early, but I didn’t. I went to school originally for business and worked at my father’s company for five years before I decided I’d had enough and walked away. 

B: There’s actually eight years between us. 

J: You were so sweet and innocent back when we first met. Eighteen years old, fresh-faced from the Stormlands. 

B: Oh _don’t._

J: See, you’re more like Goldenhand. Papa Bee wanted you to go to SEU but you applied in secret to—

B: Bear Pit University.

J: (laughs) Bear Pit University, yeah. You knew your own path and you _went_ for it. 

B: I suppose so. As for the Blue Knight and I, we share a similar background. Only child, widowed father, exceptionally tall and plain. 

J: Oh pull the other one.

B: Am I not taller than you?

J: You are but you’re not…you had a boyfriend in upper school. 

B: One boyfriend does not mean I’m suddenly pretty, Jay. 

J: No, but nor do no boyfriends mean that people aren’t attracted to you.

B: I think we’re getting off-topic. (pause) oathkeeper, tarthserjaime, I hope we’ve answered your questions. If you have any more, send them to us at thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com.

J: We’ll be back with a new book to read very soon. Until then, valar morghulis.

(tourney horn plays)


	8. Book: Off the King's Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Also a book title for Bee and Jay to read: Sex in the Bear Pit" (elizadunc)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, the first prompt of follow-up week! It’s not quite the title, but I hope you enjoy all the same.

J: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content. 

(tourney horn plays)

B: Happy Thursday, listeners, and welcome to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden!_ We are an explicit literary podcast hosted by two academics who also happen to be very good friends. 

J: Best friends.

B: That’s what I meant.

J: But you didn’t _say it_. You’re very good friends with “Rose”, you’re best friends with _me._

B: (deep sigh) _Fine._ We are an explicit literary podcast hosted by two academics who also happen to be _best friends_ , although I am in the market for a replacement who is not both incredibly egotistical and at the same time _horribly_ insecure. 

J: (laughs) What can I say, I’m the whole package.

B: (laughs)

J: And who else makes you laugh like this, hmm? (both laugh) Anyway, welcome listeners, to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden._ Looking back on our episodes to date, we’ve really been reading a string of unsuccessful novels. 

B: They’re just _so_ bad and _so_ historically inaccurate that they go on the list before we’re even halfway through.

J: Now, you might remember last week on our footnotes episode that we mentioned that Papa Bee was coming to visit. A lot of people wanted him to come on the podcast with us, and although Bee couldn’t bring herself to ask—

B: —he’d barely got in the door and you were yelling at him.

J: I wasn’t yelling! I simply said, ‘Papa Bee, do you want to be on the podcast?’ He practically bit my hand off; he loved the idea. 

B: (deep sigh) So, thanks to popular and Jay’s demands, my father will be on the next edition of the footnotes. If you have any questions for him as a descendant of Ser Blue, or anything else for that matter, please send them to us at thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com.

J: As well as planning to make an appearance on the footnotes, Papa Bee also brought with him a treasure trove of truly _trashy_ historical paperbacks. Including _Off the King’s Road,_ the filthy account of the Kingslayer and the Maid sexing their way through the Seven Kingdoms. 

B: _Really_?

J: That’s what it says on the back cover. 

B: Seven Help Me, it really does.

J: It follows the same path as our favourite book, _The King’s Road,_ but we thought you’d get a bigger kick out of it. There are some truly terrible chapter titles here… _Sex in the Bear Pit, Kingslayer in the Tub, The Lady’s Vow…_

B: It starts when the Golden Lion leaves the Stark camp, and finishes just as he returns to King’s Landing. But despite canonically being faithful to his sister whilst she was not—

J: —he literally claims the Maid in the very first chapter or something. Which is called _The Last Cunt._

B: And as I read last week, _Jay_ gets to read the first chapter. 

J: It’s like Sevenmas all over again. Anyway, here we go. _Off the King’s Road_ by Jeyne Dutton. Chapter One: The Last Cunt. _The Golden Lion was forced back into the wolf camp by meaty hands pulling and tugging at his meagre rags. The soldiers had had the good presence of mind to lace his breeches when they’d found him; none of them had relished the idea of bringing the Kingslayer back into camp with his cock hanging out._

B: (laughs) I’m sorry, did he escape only to stop and—

J: —have a wank?

B: (laughs) Yes! Wow, that was… _stupid_. He should have at least waited until he got to the nearest inn. 

J: Well, when you’re feeling it… _His shaft had been thick and heavy as they’d forced it back into his breeches; their heavyhanded touch the only embrace his cock had seen this long year, save the Northern King’s mother teasing him to stiffness, only to let him soften in the cool air._

B: Right, sorry to stop again, but is Dutton trying to insinuate that Lady Stark of Winterfell was a—

J: —prick tease?

B: I was going to say torturing him sexually, but _yes._ Well, we’re two paragraphs in, and already there’s historical inaccuracies. 

J: I think you’re forgetting, Bee, the theory that Lady Stark, the Kingslayer, and the Maid sealed their oath with a carnal embrace before the latter two departed on their quest. 

B: Unsubstantiated _gossip._ His sister and nephew-slash-son _executed_ her husband, I highly doubt that Lady Stark would seal his oath with an orgasm. 

J: It was a strange time. Can I get back to the book, please?

B: Fine.

J: _He saw the Lady now arguing with another Northern lord. A chill wind whipped through the camp, bringing her nipples to stiff peaks under the bodice of her gown. The Golden Lion longed to suckle at her teat whilst his fingers pushed inside her, bringing her to pleasure in ways her lord husband never could._ Bit harsh, there, Golden Lion.

B: Her husband’s dead, Golden Lion, show a little respect. 

J: Although, Lord Stark never showed _him_ respect. 

B: But he could have equally told Lord Stark about what happened.

J: Like he would have believed him.

B: We are _not_ having this conversation _again,_ Jay.

J: Because you know I’m right. (laughs) _Beside the Lady stood a tall, imposing figure clad in bronze armour. As his eyes flickered from lady to guardian, the Lion realised this stranger was the largest woman he had ever seen. She stood, warily, among soldiers who were not her own. Yet the Lion could taste the ripple of desire in the air. Or maybe it was the smell of her cunt, sodden with the thought of any or all of these men taking her in the rough._

B: Yes, because that’s what the Maid wants. Not to avenge her former lord’s death, but a gang bang in the middle of a war. 

J: (laughs) How do you know what that is?

B: A gang bang?

J: (laughs) This podcast has _changed_ you, Bee. Before, you barely knew what a blow job was. Now you’re talking about wanking and gang bangs. Has someone been doing some research on the side?

B: Perhaps you should carry on with the first chapter and leave my research habits alone.

J: Well, there’s only about two paragraphs left.

B: Piss off, really?

J: Yeah, chapter one barely takes up a page. 

B: Oh, Gods. Well, you best finish then. You’ve still got marking to do.

J: You promised you’d help me.

B: And I will, but we need to finish the podcast first.

J: I’ll hold you to that. You know my house motto. 

B: Everything’s a cereal bowl if it doesn’t leak?

J: (grunts) _Or maybe it was the smell of her cunt, sodden with the thought of any or all of these men taking her. Her eyes, the blue of uncut sapphires—_

B: Are sapphires a different colour when they’re cut?

J: I don’t know. We’ll have to have a jeweller on as an expert. _Her eyes, the blue of uncut sapphires, strayed over his form, now forced into the dirt with his legs spread apart. The Lion knew the moment her eyes met his pulsating cock, barely restrained by the thin material. One tug and he would be exposed. One tug and he would come in the mud._

B: Not a lot of stamina. 

J: (laughs) _His escape had drawn ire from the camp._

B: Yes, because you killed people to escape, Golden Lion. 

J: _Tonight might be his last night in this world. He hoped to be fucked before they took his head. Rather than a last meal, perhaps he could talk the Lady into giving him a last cunt. Her cunt, the sapphire soldier, would do nicely._ And that’s the end of chapter one.

B: That was as horrible as expected. Dare I ask what chapter two is called? 

J: (laughs) A Cum Oath.

B: (sobs) Why couldn’t we have done a podcast about something else?

J: Because this is funny, and I like hearing you laugh.

B: (pause) You do?

J: Of course. It makes those uncut sapphires in your eyes just light up. 

(pause)

B: Right, well, if you have any questions for us, my father, or about _Off the King’s Road,_ feel free to email them, and hopefully we’ll answer them in our footnotes session. 

J: Until then, valar morghulis.

(tourney horn plays)


	9. Footnotes: Papa Bee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Huge request for Papa Bee to be on the podcast!! 😻" (sarahoftarth)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, our footnotes session with Papa Bee! Quite a few people sent in questions, so I’m just going to include those as part of the fic rather than list them all here. But thank you to all those who do send in questions; it’s so much fun!

B: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

(tourney horn plays)

J: Welcome to _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden,_ the footnotes! And for the first time, we have a VERY special guest. It’s Bee’s father, Papa Bee everyone!

S: Hello!

(Jay and Bee clap)

J: Thank you, Papa Bee, for joining us today.

B: You didn’t exactly give him much of a choice. 

S: It’s fine, Little Star. I love listening to the two of you doing your podcast; you both sound like you’re having so much fun.

J: We are, thank you, Papa Bee. Now, you’ve brought snacks for us to eat during the podcast today. Quite a few people have asked about your biscuit recipe, can you tell the listeners what you’ve made for us?

S: Of course, lad. I’ve made some lemon curd biscuits for you, lad, and some sausage rolls with apple for my girl. 

J: Bee does like a bit of sausage. 

B: JAY! I cannot believe you just _said_ that.

J: What, what? You _do;_ you always prefer to have a sausage sandwich when we have breakfast before classes. (chuckles) I don’t know _what_ you’re implying. 

B: I hate you. I really hate you.

J: You’ve been saying that since we met, but I don’t think even you believe that anymore.(pause) Anyway, we’ve got introductions out the way, we’ve got our snacks sorted, let’s get down to business.

B: Last week we began reading the first chapter of _Off the King’s Road,_ a hideously explicit tale of Goldenhand and Ser Blue’s journey to King’s Landing.

J: Papa Bee, you were the one who provided us with this _dreadful_ novel. Can you talk about how you found it whilst I have a biscuit?

S: Of course, lad. Since you and my Little Star have started doing this podcast, I’ve been keeping an eye out for any secondhand bookshops, charity shops. Me and Goodwin – you remember Goodwin, don’t you, Bee?

B: Of course, he taught me how to swing a re-enactment sword. 

S: Well, we were at a boot sale the other weekend on the other side of the island, and this woman had two plastic tubs filled with all these paperbacks. Now, one caught my eye, because I remember you getting in trouble at school for reading it. 

B: Oh, Gods.

J: _Off the King’s Road._ (Bee groans) She mentioned the Septa caught her?

S: Oh, she did. Only time my Bee ever got sent home was because she had been reading a dirty book.

B: It was a historical romance novel, and what was it doing in the library if not to be read?

J: You’re just full of excuses, aren’t you? (Jay laughs) What chapter were you reading? Was it the one we read last episode?

B: No, _no,_ I believe it was the one in the Harrenhal baths.

S: Memory serves, you went through a period of only having baths after that. 

J: (laughs) Really? Oh, well, in that case, I cannot _wait_ to get to that chapter. 

B: Our shower was broken! 

J: Of course, _of course._ Now, we’ve had a few comments about the latest episode, which is more than the usual _one_ comment we get from you, Papa Bee. So we’ll take it in turns to read some of them out. This is from weirddaydreamingfangirl, who says “I can’t wait for Papa Bee’s appearance!“

S: Very sweet. Hopefully, it won’t be a disappointment.

B: Of course it won’t be, Dad. Okay, here’s another: ulmo80 says, "That book sounds awful.” It really does, but get used to it, because we’re committed to reading the whole thing. Dad, do you want to read out the next one?

S: sarahoftarth says (pauses) Do you think she’s Margo’s girl from down the road?

B: I don’t know, Dad. I don’t think so.

S: She could be. She’s called Sarah. Anyway, sarahoftarth says, “Jay’s unsuccessful flirting is just too much, I just want to shake them both!” And if it is Sarah from down the road, say hello to your mother. 

B: What does she mean by flirting?

J: What does she mean by _unsuccessful?_

B: Well, clearly that you’re not very good at it. Not that I’ve ever seen you flirt; plenty of people flirt with _you,_ but you never pursue someone yourself. 

S: I think there’s a reason for that, Little Star. 

B: Oh, I know. ‘None of these women meet his impossibly high standards’. 

J: Really? That’s what you think? (pauses) Okay. Let’s, uh, le’s answer a few questions, now. Here’s one for Papa Bee, it’s from a-squire-is-for-life-not-just-for-sevenmas, “Papa Bee, what made you decide to name your daughter after Ser Blue?” That’s a great question.

S: Well, like my daughter, I have a love of history. Our house has always been filled with antiques and suits of armour and Oathkeeper right in the main hall. There’s not been a huge amount of girls born in the last few generations; none, in fact. Both me and Bee’s mum expected her to be a boy, too. 

J: What would you have called her, if she was a boy?

S: We liked Robb, and I’d always quite liked Brynden as a name, too. But she was a girl, and I _knew_ she had to be Bri–she had to be named after Ser Blue. Someone strong, and brave. Who would do amazing things. I knew my daughter had to be named after her. 

(pause)

B: O–okay. Next question is from everything-is-a-cereal-bowl. (laughs) Clearly someone on your wavelength, Jay.

J: I don’t know what you’re trying to say.

B: There was milk in my saucepan this morning.

J: I was making a creamy pasta sauce.

B: There were choco pops in it. 

J: I was making hot chocolate?

B: _Anyway_ , everything-is-a-cereal-bowl asks, “Papa Bee, what do you think of Jay?”

S: I think he’s a lovely lad, very smart, and the smartest thing he’s ever done is become best friends with my little girl. 

J: See, Bee, your _dad_ thinks we’re best friends.

B: Fine, fine! We’re best friends! 

(all three laugh)

J: I think we’ve got time for another couple of questions. Okay, this is from jaybee28: “Hi Papa Bee—”

S: Hello jaybee28!

J: “Hi Papa Bee so excited to have you on an episode of footnotes. I know they recommended submitting questions related to your ancestors but something has been bugging me since the latest episode and I can think of no one better to pose the question than you!” Okay, does this mean you have to ask it?

B: I think so. Jay, give my Dad the tablet.

S: Alright, let’s read what we’ve got here. Right, so, the question is, “Jay… why do you know how little/much Bee knows about blow jobs?”

B: WHAT THE—

J: Language.

B: I read out the warning at the beginning; it says strong language so I’m going to say, _what the fuck,_ jaybee28?

J: (laughs) It is a valid question.

B: No it isn’t, not in front of my father. 

J: I think any father would be happy his daughter doesn’t know a great deal about blow jobs. 

S: Little Star, I do listen to all your episodes, you know. I am aware my daughter knows about sex. Especially after you found that book, and all those stories of you and—

B: —no, please, _I beg of you,_ do not finish that thought. 

J: I will pay you five hundred gold dragons right now, Papa Bee, to finish that thought.

B: You can barely afford rent; you ate at my house all last week to save money. 

J: It’s called being financially conscious. But, honestly, I’d live in a box if your father finished that sentence. (Bee huffs) And, in answer to your question, jaybee28, when we first started researching the idea of a podcast, we were looking through historical erotica and Bee casually wondered why so many stories had cannibalism as they all described _swallowing a man whole._

B: Wonderful; this is exactly what I wanted to happen on this podcast. 

J: Come _on,_ it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. 

B: Next special guest we have is going to be your brother, you do realise that, don’t you?

J: (pause) I do now. 

B: Good. Right, one more question before we finish. It’s for my Dad. colour-chart-courtship has asked, “Papa Bee, what would you think if Jay and Bee decided to host their podcast for life? Jay is hers, Bee is his, for as long as the tourney horn plays.” I–I don’t get it. 

J: Well, as long as we have people listening, I guess we’ll still do it. 

S: colour-chart-courtship, I would be over the _moon_ if these two decided to host this podcast for life. It makes them both happy, and that’s all a father wants for his little girl. And if they decide to make any spin-offs, I’d be glad to help out with those, too. 

J: A spin-off, I’d like that. (pause) We could read out bad essay assignments!

B: I do believe that’s a breach of data protection. 

J: Pfft. 

B: _Right,_ before it’s necessary for me to help Jay navigate a university tribunal, I think we should end it there. Thank you, Dad, for joining us today. I hope it hasn’t been too traumatic. 

S: Not at all! I’ll come back next week, if you want.

J: I have a feeling next week’s guest spot is already full. Right, Bee?

B: Right, Jay. 

J: (sighs) But, yes, thank you so much, Papa Bee. And thank you, everyone, who has listened to our podcast, commented or sent us in questions. If you have any questions, feel free to send them to thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com.

B: We have our caw account up and running; you can leave us some comments there. 

J: Next episode we’ll be heading back to the Stark camp for chapter two of _Off the King’s Road._

B: We’re also going to be on _Vinyl Grooves_ in the next week or so; we’ll let you know when the episode goes out. 

J: Wonderful. 

B: Dad, do you want to say the closing remarks?

S: Of course! Valar morghulis!

(tourney horn plays)


	10. Book: The Squire's Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After an unexpected hiatus, Jay and Bee are back with a brand new format, their familiar banter, and some truly awful fiction. Today's book, 'The Squire's Surprise' features Goldenhand, Ser Blue, and her squire Pip on their journey south.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, SO happy to be returning to the podcast verse; I've really missed it so much. I really hope you enjoy this new episode! :D

B: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content.

(tourney horn plays)

J: Your podcast provider isn’t lying to you; _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden_ is back!

B: Woo!

J: Wow! (Jay laughs) You’re very enthusiastic this evening, Bee.

B: Well, I’ve…I’ve missed this. I’ve— (pause) I’ve missed you.

(long pause)

J: I’ve missed you too. (pause) And I’ve certainly missed this podcast! So, if you’re brand new to _The Poorly Written Maiden_ , we are two academics and best friends (pause) Sorry, I was waiting for you to argue with me.

B: Why would I argue with you? We _are_ best friends.

J: (laughs) Should have taken a hiatus sooner. Anyway, we are two academics and best friends who read truly awful historical romance novels to laugh at the ridiculous sex scenes and the factual inaccuracies.

B: In particular, we read stories that involve Westerosi knights Goldenhand the Just and Ser Blue, as we happen to be related to them.

J: That we are! And, if you’re not brand new to the podcast, we would like to apologise for the hiatus we had to take after Papa Bee’s footnotes episode.

B: We were all set to read the second chapter of _Off the King’s Road._ Dad had just gone home.

J: Well, we had just dropped him off at the airport in that tin can you call a car.

B: Oathkeeper is a _perfectly_ good—

J: —you can’t call a car that barely does 60 _Oathkeeper._

B: Well, then, what would you call my car?

J: (pauses, then laughs) The Long Night. Because that’s how long it takes you to get anywhere in that suit of armour you call a vehicle. 

B: You know what, I take it back. I haven’t missed this at all.

J: (laughs) Yes, you have. You’ve missed me terribly. Listeners, if you could _see_ my messages. Bee was texting me every single day that I was gone.

B: Because I was covering your classes and your essay titles were a mess.

J: There is nothing wrong with _Explain in 2000 words why Queen Daenerys Stormborn was not as good looking as Goldenhand the Just._

B: Thankfully, that student is now covering a more appropriate topic. You know why she chose that topic, don’t you? She “likes” you.

J: I can’t help who “likes” me, Bee. Just like Goldenhand the Just couldn’t help his _raw_ animal magnetism that inspired so many trashy romance novels.

B: (pause) Can _he_ explain why we had to take a hiatus? Because right now, you’re not. 

J: (snort) Fine, _fine._ So, Papa Bee left us after an excellent footnotes episode. We were literally at the airport, and I got a call from my Aunt, let’s call her—

B: Aunt Gee.

J: —perfect. So, Aunt Gee called, and one of my male family members that I cannot name or indicate due to legal and business reasons (deep sigh) had been taken into hospital. He’s, uh, he’s _fine_ now, but I was needed at home. Bee has been absolutely amazing. She dropped everything to come down with me, was practically in tears when she had to go back—

B: I was _not_ in tears.

J: She’s even holding them back now. No, seriously, Bee, you covered all my classes and gave me a hand with the marking and I’m so very grateful _._ But as amazing as she is, listeners, she can’t quite host this podcast alone.

B: I did try while you were gone. Just didn’t have the same rhythm.

J: There are no co-hosts like me, only me. (They laugh) So, that’s why we haven’t uploaded a new episode until now. But I’m glad to be home. Although, I leave for a few moons, and suddenly Bee has a serious boyfriend!

B: I do not–he’s not a–we’ve been on _three_ dates, Jay!

J: We should give him a moniker for the podcast anyway. Does he listen to the podcast? Have you mentioned me? How about we call him Kyle? You know, replace that first letter with a K. So that would make him Kyle—

B: — _Jay!_

(tourney horn plays)

(sponsorship ad for _Blackwater Brewery_ plays)

B: Now that we’ve explained our recent absence, I think it’s time we get onto why people _actually_ listen to our podcast.

J: Bad sex and historical inaccuracies. 

B: Now, when Jay was home, he got talking to his Aunt Gee.

J: Turns out, not only is Aunt Gee a massive fan of the podcast, but she’s also a huge hoarder of historical romances. We’re talking boxes and boxes of paperbacks. And when I packed up my fully-functioning automobile (Bee groans), she made me take three boxes back up here.

B: Between them and the ones my father keeps sending us—

J: —not to mention the ones we find ourselves—

B: —we have enough content for this podcast until we graduate.

J: Until our _children_ graduate.

B: R-right. Yes. We have content coming out of our ears _,_ basically _._ But it can be a real slog reading all these books out loud.

J: Yes, because for all the awful sex scenes, there’s entire chapters of _sheer_ boredom.

B: We talked it over, and we decided to focus on one book per episode. Jay and I will read it beforehand and pick our choice for the biggest historical inaccuracy. We’ll also _try_ and find something they’ve actually got right. 

J: Don’t worry, there’ll be the bad sex as well. All the humping, thrusting, and gagging. Well, we’ll be gagging.

B: This book was really bad. 

J: I know. You sent me emojis and everything. You _never_ send me emojis. 

B: You send me far too many. (pause) You are in for a… _treat_ is the wrong word.

J: Experience.

B: You are in for an experience today, listeners. For our first episode back, it _had_ to be Roslin Trant. (pause) Trant, if you don’t know, is a very prolific historical romance writer with Highgarden Press. She also happens to be a terrible writer, speller, and person. (huffs) She is also now Jay’s nemesis after he got into a spat with her in the reviews section of aTracks.

J: What, what? She started it! _Anyway,_ you’re continuing it by choosing one of her books to read.

B: It was the first book out of the box!

J: Likely story. You just want to defend my honour. 

B: Will you just read the blurb?

J: (laughs) Yes, my lady. So, this week’s book is _The Squire’s Surprise_ by Roslin Trant. The front cover is Ser Blue surrounded by two men: one is clearly Goldenhand with a barrel chest and flowing golden locks. The other is slightly shorter. I imagine that’s the squire.

B: Pip.

J: (laughs) Pip the Squire. Okay, here’s the blurb: _After returning the Wolf Maiden back to her rightful home, the Blue Knight takes respite with her squire, Pip, within the castle walls. One night, her squire returns to find his mistress in bed with the legendary Goldenhand. He is more surprised when they extend a hand towards him, encouraging the young squire to bed his mistress and be taken by the Warrior himself._

(Jay laughs; Bee groans)

_As the threesome plan their journey back to the capital, Pip finds himself between the two lovers almost every night. But what will happen when they return home?_

B: I remember thinking that the blurb would prepare me for the worst. I was wrong.

J: And so is Trant, on _so many levels._ Let’s tear her literary work to shreds, shall we?

(guillotine sound plays)

J: Biggest historical inaccuracy. Go.

B: I mean, _where to begin?_ There’s journals and accounts that Ser Podrick – or Pip, as he’s called in this book – remained in Winterfell after the Battle of the Long Night and served the Wolf Queen until his death. He, Ser Blue, and Goldenhand didn’t travel back together, and _certainly_ not before winter came to Westeros.

J: The–the timeline is all over the place. It reads like it happens after the Battle of the Bastards—

B: —which is a misnomer, as King Jon of the South was legitimate.

J: _Yes,_ but they didn’t know that at the time! (huffs) We’re getting off track. Basically, the timeline is all over the place. If you know your history, you’re going to spend a long time on a car journey up north listening to a fading actress read 231 pages of complete and utter _tosh._

B: (laughs) Tosh?

J: Whatever you want to call it, it’s inaccurate and insulting. The fact that Goldenhand could sneak into Winterfell unnoticed, break into Ser Blue’s chambers, and be fucking her without _anyone_ knowing anything about it seems utterly ridiculous.

B: About as much as Pip’s magic appendage.

J: YES! Where did that even get started? (pause) Maybe the journals of the Dragon Queen’s Hand? I think I recall him mentioning Ser Podrick’s magic cock.

B: And Trant’s mentioned it in basically every other paragraph in this… _tosh._ (Jay laughs) Realistically, it takes more than two thrusts into a vagina for a woman to orgasm.

J: So, her timeline’s off; her anatomy is off. Did she get _anything_ right?

(swords clashing sound plays)

J: I have to say, before we continue, I _really_ like the new sound effects.

B: Thank you! Cee’s son did them for me; I think it sounds really professional.

J: It’s almost like we’re on a real podcast and not just sitting at your wobbly kitchen table.

B: I know! (pause) So, 231 pages of _The Squire’s Surprise._ Did Trant get anything right, in your opinion?

J: The place names are correct. And spelt right, which I know must have been difficult for her.

B: _Jay._

J: Other than that, everyone is about two years earlier than they’re supposed to be. It’s like her book, _Rosebud,_ where Goldenhand and Ser Blue are at King Joffrey’s wedding. I have seen no accounts of them being present. 

B: I couldn’t see anything even remotely accurate either.

J: So, I guess we should move on to why everyone is _really_ listening to us in the first place. The terribly written sex scenes.

(woman orgasming sound plays)

B: JAY! That’s not the effect Cee’s son made for us!

J: I know; I just couldn’t help myself. Ty did it for me.

B: I–I _just_ can’t believe—

J: Return of the show; return of the colour chart. Casterly Rock in the first episode back, YES!

B: I hate you. I hate you so much.

J: That feeling isn’t going to improve, I’m afraid, as I’m about to read what I think is the _worst_ part of _The Squire’s Surprise._ (pause) This is about halfway through: Chapter 7, _Roadside Romp._ So, Pip, Ser Blue, and Goldenhand are on the King’s Road, and they’re getting busy.

B: Right in the middle of the King’s Road.

J: No laybys in ancient times. (pause) _On their journey North, Pip had laid beside his mistress many a night; his cock rigid and desperate for the wet depths of her cunt. But he had known her secret garden was meant to be pruned by another, and so he had kept his hands and member to himself. But now, now his mistress welcomed his cock. His mistress’s beloved welcomed it as well._ (pause) I am going to write a paper on Goldenhand getting pegged. I’m going to do it.

B: If you get it published, I’ll give you fifty gold dragons.

J: You’re on. (they laugh) _His mistress currently knelt in the middle of the King’s Road._ Great place to have sex; it really is. Very safe. _On her hands and knees while Goldenhand’s cock plundered her sweet undercarriage._ (Jay gags) Oh, I’d forgotten how bad this was.

B: You chose it; come on, keep reading.

J: Wench.

B: Oathbreaker. Get on with it.

J: _Fine._ (pause) _…while Goldenhand’s cock plundered her sweet undercarriage. The knight turned to him; his emerald eyes settling upon Pip’s bulging breeches. “Come, squire. Your mistress is hungry; stuff that fat cock in her mouth and be done with it.”_

B: Oh, Gods.

J: _Pip acquiesced. He undid his laces, slid down his breeches, and waited until his mistress’s mouth was open before he squashed his rigid member down her throat until she gagged on the turgid flesh._ (pause) Fuck, this is very…vivid. (sighs) Well, are you turned on, Bee?

B: (chokes) I…um… _unsurprisingly_ , no.

J: Me either. Maybe the next passage will do it, although I doubt it.

B: Well, my passage is from Chapter 2: _The Joining._ (clears throat) _Goldenhand had already taken his fill of Ser Blue; his seed shining upon her thighs and damp in the blonde fur of her cunt._ (Bee groans) _Pip advanced upon his mistress and took her for himself. Goldenhand guided her legs wider as his mammoth blade pierced through her—_

J: Nothing should be piercing anything.

B: Gods, no. And if it has, see a Maester. (pause) _…mammoth blade pierced through her sodden box of pleasure._ (Jay groans) _It took him two thrusts before he spilt his snow-white seed; two thrusts before Ser Blue was gushing female wetness like a soldier with a wound to the neck._ That is… _quite_ the image.

J: Expect nothing better from Roslin Trant. But expect much, _much_ worse if we read her again.

(tourney horn plays)

B: Well, we are _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden_ and today’s book was _The Squire’s Surprise_ by Roslin Trant.

J: You can buy a copy online or see if your local second-hand shop is selling one for a half-penny. I honestly wouldn’t pay much more than that.

B: Later in the week we’ll post a footnotes episode answering all the questions you’ve sent us during our unexpected hiatus.

J: Please feel free to get in touch. Let us know if there’s a truly awful book you want us to look at.

B: Tell us what you think about the new episode structure.

J: And, more importantly, what you think about Bee’s new boyfriend.

B: JAY!

J: Send your questions and comments to thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com, and we’ll do our best to answer them on the footnotes.

B: (huffs) Until then, valar morghulis.

(tourney horn plays)


	11. Footnotes: We're Back!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bee and Jay are back in the footnotes answering fan questions, discussing representations of Goldenhand and Ser Blue, and why, in fact, Jay eats cereal at Bee's place instead of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The response to the last podcast 'episode' was overwhelming, I just...seriously, I am so thrilled to be back; everyone's comments were amazing and I cannot wait to write more in this verse. I really hope you enjoy this new footnotes episode! 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who sent in questions/comments; they are so much fun to read and I cannot wait to answer them all. To those who Jay and Bee have answered in this podcast, thank you for taking part; I hope you enjoy the responses! I have tweaked the odd word; just an fyi. 
> 
> Happy listening! :D

J: The following podcast contains strong language, literary violence, and explicit sexual content. Basically, all the things that were missing from your history lessons at school.

B: (laughs)

(tourney horn plays)

J: Well, it’s _The Bear and the Poorly Written Maiden,_ the footnotes. (pause) Good evening, Bee. How are you?

B: You asked me that two hours ago when you turned up on my doorstep.

J: I _know_ , but I’m just trying to ease into all the questions. A little back-and-forth about our personal lives.

B: (laughs) Alright then. I’m fine, Jay; how are you?

J: I’m doing pretty good, Bee, thank you for asking. I’ve been back at home now at the White Sword Tower—

B: —that’s what Jay calls his flat.

J: (laughs) It fits! There’s even a replica of Widow’s Wail above the mantlepiece. Anyway, it’s good to be home; good to be back in my own space with my own things—

B: —but not your own food. You’ve been back seven days, and already I’ve had to pop to the shops twice!

J: You should know by now to buy more cereal.

B: You know, I’m going to have to start charging you rent. Or at least a contribution to the shopping bill.

J: I bought snacks for podcast night!

B: You bought a single bag of nuts and a two-litre bottle of coke.

J: At least I brought something!

B: (deep sigh) Fine. You brought something. Can we get on with the footnotes now or do you want to ask how my day was, which you already know?

J: I do know that. It was much better when I turned up on your doorstep two hours ago.

B: (deep sigh)

(tourney horn plays)

B: Before we get stuck in, I just wanted to say that the response to the last episode on social media and in the comments of aTracks has been _incredible._

J: Seriously, last episode was our most listened yet, and it’s really good to know that we didn’t drive everyone away with Roslin Trant.

B: Although, judging from the comments, that was a close call. (pause) theunpaidcritic says ‘some of these passages are the worst romance fiction writing I’ve read’.

J: Imagine what it was like for us; we had to read the whole book.

B: Here’s another one, from remadoraftw: ‘How did that get published though?’ That is an excellent question.

J: It really is. I mean, the book is, what, about fifteen years old at this point?

(ruffling sound)

B: Hang on—

J: —are you checking—

B: —why else would I be flicking through the book?

J: I don’t know; maybe you want to relive the passage where Ser Blue is spit roasted in front of the Iron Throne?

B: (gagging sounds)

J: We, uh, we made a decision not to include that. And the decision process was both of us collectively pretending that passage didn’t exist until my Aunt Gee texted us after the episode, asking why we didn’t include it.

B: Here we are. Written twenty years ago, actually, in 887 AC.

J: Even worse. Obviously, standards have improved since then.

B: We hope. (pause) But there were some positive comments, mainly about us. Do you want to read those, Jay? I know you love talking about yourself.

J: (laughs) Thank you, Bee, thank you. This one is from TheOneWhoReadsAloud: “Welcome back, Bee and Jay! I hope everything is going well for you both.” Um, it is, thank you! I’m glad to be back.

B: I’m glad to be back, too.

J: Well, you’re glad to have me back.

B: That’s what I said.

J: Not exactly.

B: Read another comment.

J: (laughs) Okay, this one is from banthafodder: “Welcome back, Jay and Bee!”

B: Thank you, banthafodder.

J: We’ve been sent _so_ many questions, both from before the hiatus and over the last few days. We’ve got several for my brother, Ty, who hosts the podcast _One Hundred Ways to Disappoint Your Father._ He’s _obviously_ been on a similar hiatus to me, but we’ll try to have him on soon. For now, we’re just going to try and answer as many questions as we can. Bee?

B: First pick from the list, and it’s for you.

J: Unsurprisingly, the people love me.

B: (pause) Right, well, this is, _um._

J: Everything okay?

B: (sighs) Your little comment at the end of our last episode yielded results. This is from TheOneWhoReadsAloud, and they ask: “Question for Jay. How do you feel about your best friend dating this ‘Kyle’?” (pause) So, Jay. How do you feel?

(pause)

J: Well, I’ve never met him.

B: No.

J: I just…I’m surprised you didn’t tell me you were dating him while I was gone, that’s all.

B: You had enough to deal with.

J: But we’re friends. Best friends, Brie– _Bee._ If you’re serious about someone—

B: —it’s three dates, Jay. We’ve gone for coffee, the cinema, and to a restaurant. He hasn’t proposed; we’re not moving in together. He’s not— (pause) Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.

J: It’s okay. But I want to meet him – _soon._ Decide if he’s good enough for the great-however-many-granddaughter of the Blue Knight.

B: (laughs) Alright; I’ll set it up.

J: Great. (pause) Now, let’s see what else we’ve got here. This is from avid listener I-will-go-down-with-this-ship: “I don’t know Bee’s new boyfriend, but he sounds like a— (snorts) Okay, this is on me, because of the crack I made about his last name.

B: (groans) He’s not a cu–he’s _okay._

J: Just _okay_?

B: (pause) Sure. He’s okay. To be honest, that’s as good as I can expect. Can we not–can we not talk about this on the podcast, please?

J: Sure, I’ll–I’ll edit it out later.

B: Do you know how to edit it out?

J: If Cee’s son can do it, then I can certainly do it.

B: (laughs) I’m not sure about that. You know what they say about old people and technology…

J: (huffs) I am _eight_ years older than you. I’m barely in my thirties!

B: (laughs)

J: (sighs) Alright, I’m going to ask another question, now. This is from huntingviolets, who asks–who is actually asking a history question!

B: You know, you _can_ send those in. It doesn’t just have to be about bad historical fiction.

J: Yeah, absolutely, if you have any homework questions that we can help with. Essay frameworks—

B: —you should probably be helping your own students with those.

J: Do you think any of our students listen to this podcast?

B: Oh, gods, I hope not.

J: (shudders) Horrible thought. Okay, huntingviolets asks: “But didn’t Goldenhand eventually rename Widow’s Wail _The Just Maid_?” That is a historical inaccuracy that has been promoted by downright atrocious Goldenhand and Ser Blue films and television shows over the years.

B: _The Lion’s Maid,_ in particular, made around—

J: —made around the same time Trant wrote _The Squire’s Surprise._

B: In the final scene, the narrator does a whole spiel.

J: (through cupped hands) _And Goldenhand eventually renamed the sword ‘The Just Maid’ in honour of his wife, Lady Blue._

B: Goldenhand never renamed his sword. Widow’s Wail is currently on exhibition down in King’s Landing at the Targaryen Museum of Ancient History.

J: And Oathkeeper is in Papa Bee’s living room.

B: It is _not._

J: It might as well be!

B: (pause) Right, let’s scroll through for another…oh, wow, that’s a large question.

J: It is. It’s in two parts, though.

B: I’ll read out the first part. This is from wirette. “On an internet archive, I’ve caught a glimpse of an untitled movie script mentioning Goldenhand and Ser Blue. I’m not sure the movie was shot. In fact, it seemed to be about the Starks and Lannisters rivalry during the War of the Five Kings and the Battle of Winterfell, but the plot was confused and didn’t really understand the plot details.”

J: Could be _Blood and Iron._ That never got made.

B: Could be. “Goldenhand and Ser Blue’s part in the Battle was loosely mentioned, both fighting together with Oathkeeper and Widow’s Wail, but the legendary swords didn’t really do anything spectacular, neither did the renowned warriors.” That is often a problem with films that don’t focus on _them,_ in particular.

J: Yeah, in a lot of films, they only tend to focus on the swords if Goldenhand and Ser Blue give them back to House Stark. Which contravenes an essential part of ancient lore.

B: Which is?

J: Finders keepers.

B: (laughs) Okay, there’s more. “Later, Queen Daenerys Stormborn’s Hand, supposedly Goldenhand’s brother—”

J: Great-however-many-uncle Tyrion.

B: (snorts) That would be him. He, uh, “shamed Ser Blue for being a virgin, and it was implied that Goldenhand ‘devirginized’ her (the scene wasn’t detailed, but it was the exact words the script used).”

J: I think Trant wrote that screenplay. ‘Devirginized’ isn’t a word.

B: I think it is.

J: Either way, _deflowered_ is more era-appropriate.

B: Agreed. _Anyway._ “It really doesn’t add up with what I have previously read on the two knights’ military values, and on third-century mentality, so I’m a bit bewildered.” You and me both, wirette. “Do you by any chance know if this movie was shot? And what would you say about its accuracy, both in regard of Goldenhand and Ser Blue’s part in the battle, and in the fact that it implies Ser Blue’s maidenhood was something that could be a public burden for her?”

J: First, wirette, I’m going to steal your question for an essay topic. That is great.

B: Really, really, thought-provoking. (pause) You’re the film expert. Was this made?

J: It honestly sounds like the screenplay for _Blood and Iron,_ which was going to be a three-hour epic about the Battle of the Long Night interspersed with lots of flashbacks. From what I remember, the script kept changing; inexperienced writers were brought on board; the producers didn’t really know what they were doing…it was a shit show.

B: As to its accuracy, Goldenhand and Ser Blue played a pivotal role in the battle, as did all the soldiers who fought during the Long Night.

J: Which, contrary to what was in that screenplay, was not a _really_ long night. We’re talking weeks of darkness.

B: And we’ve talked a little about the Dragon Queen’s Hand teasing Ser Blue over her virginity…it didn’t happen. Unmarried noblewomen were supposed to be virgins.

J: The problem with this part of history is that you have many conflicting accounts; a lot of _interesting_ takes that gain popularity and are taken on as fact. 

B: Her maidenhood would never have been a burden to her. (pause) I do suppose, however, that at the age she was during the Long Night, it _could_ be seen as a matter of shame.

J: I _mean,_ she was unmarried, so it would have—

B: —I don’t _want_ to be defending it any more than you do, but an argument _could_ be made that because she was still unwed at the age of thirty-six, it was a mark of shame.

J: I suppose.

B: Either way, the Dragon Queen’s Hand spoke fondly of Ser Blue in his journals, saying he’d never seen his brother so happy.

J: It makes such a difference when you find the right person.

B: (pause) It really does.

J: Well, that’s answered question one, wirette, let’s look at question two. “I’m a bit of a snooper, here, but—” That’s never a great way to start a question, is it?

B: Oh, Gods.

J: “Bee, you said previously that Jay was living on the other side of town, but it seems he’s eating breakfast at your place frequently enough to have used every non-leaking thing in your kitchen as a cereal bowl.”

B: He still is.

J: Hush; you love it. “Did you recently move closer to each other, or is Jay really such an early bird he travels every morning from his part of the city to yours?” This is actually an interesting question, because the early comments assumed we lived together.

B: I mean, we practically do. Although I don’t know why; your place is _infinitely_ nicer than mine.

J: Yes, but the rent is ridiculously expensive. Hence why I eat at yours.

B: _Jay._

J: What? You’ve seen the house I grew up in. My current flat is _considerably_ smaller. It’s a downgrade!

B: Compared to mine, your flat _is_ Casterly Rock!

J: Maybe we should compromise. I have a second bedroom.

B: And a third bedroom.

J: Seriously, Bee. You should move in. Think of all the money you’d save on cereal.

B: (pause) I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.

J: Why not? We spend every moment together. Tell you what, the listeners should decide. Listeners, tell us in the comments—

B: —what? Jay, _no._

J: No, no, it’s great. Listeners, let us know whether Bee should move into my place.

B: (sighs) I’m editing this out.

J: Please don’t. I _really_ think we should move into together. Think of all the fun we’ll have!

B: What will your inevitable girlfriend say about it?

J: She’ll say nothing, because a) she won’t exist, and b) I wouldn’t date anyone who was not one _thousand_ per cent okay with you being in my life. (pause) You know, when I got that call from Aunt Gee, I started thinking about things differently.

B: You used the ‘thinking about your own mortality’ excuse to get the last slice of pizza the other day; you’re not using it to get me to move in with you.

J: (laughs) Just think about it, okay? We study together, we work together, we do this podcast together.

B: That’s probably enough time together.

J: Is it?

B: We should–we should wrap this up.

(long pause)

(tourney horn plays)

J: Well, that’s it for the footnotes episode this week. Sorry we couldn’t get around to all your questions today; hopefully, we can another week.

B: We love answering your questions, but we are open to doing other things in these footnotes. Historical discussions; analysing Goldenhand and Ser Blue films or television shows. Inviting other guests on!

J: Yeah, we’ve been brainstorming a few ideas. There’s a whole avenue of ancient Westerosi porn on littlefingerlegends.com we could discuss.

B: _Jay._

J: _Fine._ We could talk about the work we’ve done, our family heritage, that sort of thing. Throw some suggestions at us in the comments at aTracks, or at our email thebearandthemaiden@ravenmail.com.

B: We’ll be back with a new episode soon. Next time, we are looking at Aemma Bellmore’s novel _Tempting the Beauty._

J: I want to wash my eyes out with bleach already.

B: (laughs) Till next time, everyone.

J: Valar Morghulis.

(tourney horn plays)


End file.
